Dick Whittington

New in 2020

Full-length pantomime.

Estimated running-time: 2 hours (excluding interval)

Or reduced length, reduced cast version - see details lower down.

Available from the author

Click here to request further details or to order a free reading copy.

Songs: some songs are suggested.

Dick sets out for London with his Cat (Catnav), who is terrified of rats, but has a remarkable ability to give directions. In London they encounter two policemen called Hello and Hellohellohello; Alderman Fitzloosely, a bird-expert who is trying to attract a spotted tern to his bird-table; and the Alderman's housekeeper Miss Fortune and her assistant Miss Hap.

The Alderman's daughter Alice wants to be Lord Mayor and is not impressed by her father telling her that girls can't do that sort of thing. Alice is in love with Pete Bog, who wants to stop the Alderman building a coffee-shop.

And, of course, there are the church bells tolling “Turn again, Whittington” (or is that what they’re saying?)

The Alderman sets sail for Africa to find the spotted tern. As the ship sets sail, most of our characters turn out to be on board as stowaways, fleeing from the policemen.

After a storm (and more directions from the Cat), our heroes arrive in Uganda where they find Dick's father doing a Gap Year. Miss Fortune is kidnapped by Rats and our heroes rescue her, aided by a helpful gorilla who speaks perfect English, having been interviewed six times by David Attenborough. The gorilla also shows the Cat how to frighten the Rats.

Script Extract (from Act I Scene 1):

Dick: Here's my school report, Father.

Mr Whittington: (reading) Home Economics. Dick is very helpful. He cooked spaghetti bolognese for the whole class. Most of the children are still convalescing.History. Dick is full of ideas. On Monday he staged a re-enactment of the Battle of Hastings. (He claps one hand to his eye.)The teacher – Mr Godwinson – is expected to make a full recovery. Science. Dick enjoys experiments. Last week he did an experiment with gelignite. Parts of the science lab have been found in ... [locations ten to twenty miles away from theatre].

Dick: It's good, isn't it, Father? It says I contribute lots of ideas.

Mr Whittington: (reading) We regret to inform you that Nick has been excluded. Permanently.

Dick: (incredulous) Excluded? From school?

Mr Whittington: And you can't stay here, either.

Dick: What do you mean, Father?

Mr Whittington: I can't afford to keep you. The house is collapsing. The roof's fallen in. Your room's not even there any more. I've burnt your bed to keep us warm.

Dick: We've still got the television. With the Sky dish and Netflix and Now TV [or other streaming channels].

Mr Whittington: I'm not getting rid of that. If I'm going to starve to death, I'll die watching [Love Island/I'm a Celebrity/etc]. The fact is, Dick, you'll have to go.

Dick:What?

Mr Whittington: (points to Catnav) Him too. That useless moggy.

Catnav: (waking up; indignant)Meow!

Mr Whittington: I tried to sell him last week, but nobody would have him. Look at him. His coat's a mess. Half of his whiskers are missing. He can't catch mice. He's useless. He's a shabby tabby.

Catnav: (even more indignant.) Meow!

Dick: Where shall we go?

Mr Whittington: I should go to London.

Dick: But that's a hundred miles away![or whatever distance from theatre].

Mr Whittington: (encouraging) In London, the streets are paved with gold.Off you go! I'm off to watch [Pointless/Judge Rinder/any daytime programme].

(Exit Mr Whittington Senior)

Dick: (to the audience) What shall I do? I don't even know where London is.

Catnav: (satnav-type voice) After a hundred yards, turn left.

Dick: Oh. (He starts walking Stage Right. Then he stops.) If I turn left, I shall fall off the stage.

Catnav: At the end of the street, turn left.

Dick: Oh. (He walks two paces, then stops again.) Who said that?

Catnav: (still in satnav voice.) I did.

Dick: Who did?

Catnav: I did.

Dick: (looking all round, expecting to see a human) There's nobody here.

Catnav: I'm here.

Dick: Where are you?

(Dick is facing away from Catnav, which should encourage the audience to shout, Behind you!)

Dick: There's nobody there! (He waits for audience reaction. Then he sees Catnav.) But you're a cat!

Catnav: I'm Catnav.

Dick: You're what?

Catnav: Catnav. It's my name. Don't look so surprised. I have a doggy friend called Poodle Maps.

Dick: Do you know how to get to London?

Catnav: I told you. I'm Catnav. Reliable GPS signal.

Dick: (incredulous) GPS?

Catnav: Ghastly Purring Sounds. Come on.

There is also a Reduced Length version of this script (75-90 minutes playing time).

Same story, same jokes.

Reduced cast of six or possibly seven actors, with some doubling of roles.

Contact the author as above for further details.